sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
