I'm jealous of your bromance
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
