there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
