Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
