I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
