Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
