Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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