i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
