Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
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Is it penis luge time yet?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
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And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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