There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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