Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
