thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
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