mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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