Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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