Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
