my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
do herpes really smell.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
