On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
