I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
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