Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
