Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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