I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
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Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
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Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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