Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
