I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
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