disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
