it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
