The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
