does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
