I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
