You can't motorboat a personality
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
