you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
two words...techno handjob
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
