I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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