did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
