Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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