My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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