I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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