She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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