I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
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That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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