Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
My first STD was from a foam party
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
