If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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