I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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