I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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