Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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