There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
