I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
