Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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