Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
