do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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