I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
