I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
