Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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