would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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