My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I checked into jail on foursquare
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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