Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
